Outcast
by just jay
Summary: The boys have been harboring some secrets and it's time they let them out. Carlos's point of view. "I was following my friends' footsteps because I wasn't the outcast...No matter how different we we were, we were the same. We were all outcasts." Oneshot.


Thought: So, hi. This is what I have been doing instead of updating one of my in-progress stories. I started this a LOOOOOONGGG time ago, and I recently went in, added a few thousand words, and now I've got this one-shot that I'm pretty proud of, and I hope you guys like it. It was hard for me to write in Carlos's point of view, and it was hard for me to not go all Kogan-y and focus-on-logan-y, because I have fcmd when it comes to logan and it's hard for me to stray away from Kogan moments and Jarlos moments. I have some kames moments, too i think which is weird for me. so i hope you all enjoy this and hopefully i will update a story soon. i love you. (:

So, I went to Jr. Prom on Friday night and let me tell you, it wasn't exactly a good time. I was rather bored, and the person I was with gets on my nerves and..ugh. I spent the following day driving, however, and I think I am getting a lot better at it. I may actually pass my driver's test this time which would be great. I had a fairly good day because I went with my baby mama (brother's girlfriend) and I got a really cute outfit and it's purple and that's my boy's favorite color so i'm excited lol which is why i'm telling you right now when you probably really don't care and aren't even reading this. yeah. so, i'm going to go make some lasagna, and maybe write a persuasive essay. or maybe i wont since i don't plan on going to english this week. -endboringrant.-

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><p>Carlos.<p>

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><p>My parents always expected more from me. More than what I could give them, anyway. They weren't perfect, no, they were far from it, but I think that's why they put the pressure on my shoulders. I was their only son, and I was supposed to break whatever 'curse' had been bestowed upon our family and go to college.<p>

But I didn't want that.

I didn't like school. I didn't even want to graduate _high_ school, let alone go to college. I wasn't smart, like Logan, I wasn't hockey captain, like Kendall, and I wasn't talented and pretty like James. I was…Carlos. I didn't want to have a label. Ultimately, I guess that makes me the outcast.

I have four sisters. It's easy to crave attention from your parents when you have five siblings. But, my dad was a workaholic, and my mom was not exactly someone you _want_ to be around because she was snooty and strict. My mom was _so_ mean and unpleasant sometimes. She was always frowning, and always held her posture. But she always took care of me, she was always there for me and she always loved me even if she didn't accepted me.

She did use the belt on me a few times though, my mama. I was very misbehaved. I did things my mom didn't like. My dad would say, "Carlos, buddy, you need to calm down." I couldn't calm down, though. I had the energy of a regular teenager, but it was trapped in my short body. I had to run around, and I wore my helmet, like she said to.

I liked hanging out with my best friends for many reasons. First of all, I was allowed at Kendall's house _whenever_ I pleased. His mother loved us. The four of us became friends in kindergarten and Mrs. Knight seemed to be the only parent involved in her child's affairs, and she took care of us all a lot. We spent a lot of time together.

We had a lot of fun together. James, Kendall, Logan and I. We all loved hockey, and they were just like me when it came to being destructive and wanting adventure. Well, Logan of course was a little more hesitant than the rest of us, but we always got him to come along. I mean, of course it was _really_ hard after we broke his arm that one time, or, you know…his leg that other time…other _two _times. Or the time James collapsed his lung by whacking him with the hockey stick, boy it was hard to get him back on the ice after that. But, he still stuck with us, so it just shows how loyal he is.

Kendall was basically the ringleader. Or mastermind. Same difference in this situation. He liked causing trouble. Usually, we caused more trouble trying to get ourselves _out_ of trouble we had already gotten into. Dad usually kept us out of a lot of trouble with the law. I'm pretty sure he saved our asses from juvie or jail on more than one occasion. Kendall just liked doing things. He liked having stories to tell. He liked leading us into whatever it was that he wanted to do. We liked to follow. We wanted a name for ourselves and he was the one that was going to get us there. He'd always been that one.

James was more of a lover than a fighter, but we did like to wrestle. A lot. Part of the reason mom kept telling me to wear my helmet. We just liked to wrestle for fun. We never really hurt each other, just you know, threw a few punches. We've done it since we could walk, it was our thing. James was my best friend. We were like two peas in a pod. We were so similar, except for the fact that he was obsessed with his looks, and I found enjoyment out of running into walls. We both loved video games, and pie and we both were bad in school. I'd known James the longest in my life; his mom and my mom were friends in high school. When they got pregnant at the same time, our mothers said, "Oh, we'll have one of each, and they'll grow up falling in love with each other." Yeah, didn't quite work when 'Jessica' was really James…

We were trouble on our own, 'a walking-mess' as James's mother would put it, but together we were an accident waiting to happen. It was just natural. We liked danger, we couldn't help it. We liked the adrenaline it gave us. We were teenagers. We liked doing stupid things. That was it. There was no reason behind it, no logic (you know, not counting Logan's first five minutes of hesitation), but we had fun together. We just wanted to spend time with each other.

Every day, I would go to school and try my hardest. It was never easy for me, school. It just came naturally to Logan, and sometimes I was a bit envious. Out of all of us, he was the only one who didn't have any siblings, and he was so smart at everything he did. I just wished I was smart like he was. James was in the same boat as me. We always had to stay after to get extra help. When we were in third grade, we were the only two that had to go to the library for extra reading help during story time and even a few recesses. We did everything together, including finding out we were dyslexic.

James and I would have spent our whole lives at each other's houses if we could. But things always get complicated. James's mother, I guess, couldn't grow up after having James. She abused drugs very badly, and at this point was still addicted. James's father was the same way. We didn't like hanging out at their house because of that fact, and we hated hanging out at my house because of my overbearing mother and four annoying siblings.

So we hung out at Kendall's house. Mrs. Knight loved us kids. She loved having a full house. She, apparently, grew up with eleven siblings and loved every minute of her childhood. She had two kids. Us being around definitely gave her something to do.

Every day, after school, we would go to Kendall's house. It didn't matter what we did, because Kendall always found us something to do. Whether it was putting the principal's car on the school roof (got in BIIIG time trouble for that one), racing down the hill on our roller blades (that'd be how Logan broke his leg the first time), or even just sitting at home watching a movie, we always had fun with each other.

There was one day, we were fifteen, and we were waiting for Logan to get to Kendall's. it was Friday and we were having a usual sleepover. My mother, of course, was disappointed with my choice, and my father, of course, wasn't around to know it.

My younger sisters asked me to please not leave for once, but I went anyway.

"We should go get him," Kendall suggested. "He had an asthma attack in gym today and we haven't heard from him."

So we grabbed our skateboards and headed towards Logan's apartment on the outskirts. We didn't particularly like going that way, but we never hesitated to. Logan was my size, but I had a much bigger build than he did. It's not that he was weak or anything, he just was definitely the most fragile of us all. It was that timid vibe he had to him that made him seem vulnerable. But Logan was tough. He was like a secret weapon. Unfortunately, that was because he spent years being bullied till he finally fought back and sent some kid to the hospital. It was intense, and we didn't even have to jump in to help him.

Kendall confidently walked into Logan's apartment on the first floor without knocking, and said, "Logie? Where are ya, buddy?"

Kendall went straight towards Logan's room and James and I followhen wed right behind him. James's skin was glowing as the 3 pm sun shone right through the windows and reflecting onto him.

Logan was in his room, sitting on the floor. He was pale and definitely breathing weird. "It's never been like this before," he told Kendall softly.

I looked on, worried. I glanced at James who glanced back at me and Logan suddenly coughed, James grabbed my hand quickly. When our eyes met again, he blushed, and we let go. I felt my ears turn red, and I was brought back to the situation when Kendall said, "Do you need to go to the hospital?"

Logan's head shook, naturally. He wasn't insured, and he tried to avoid hospitals and doctors at any costs. "I'll be okay. I just…need to shake this off."

"Why's this happening?"

"Anything can cause it," said Logan. "I just don't know what is."

"Well, we'll get your stuff together," said Kendall, "and we'll take you back to my house. I bet mom will know what to do."

Kendall sat with Logan as James and I engined through his room, grabbing stuff we thought he might need for his weekend stay at the Knight's. Kendall and Logan were close like James and I. It was their fathers who had been friends since they were kids, though.

Both of their fathers were in the military. James and I had only met them a few times. The two friends were on the same team and were stationed together in a secret location that not even their wives were allowed to know. They just knew it was somewhere in Asia. Kendall's dad was Sergeant Major Knight, and Logan's father was Lieutenant Mitchell. Neither of them had been seen in three years at this point, and they hadn't been heard from in about a year.

Kendall's mom was home all the time. She always made us delicious snacks and tried to keep us out of trouble, but it was easy to manipulate past her. She was caring and selfless and she was always there when we needed her to be. We'd met Logan's mom a lot when we were younger. She was around quite often. Then, suddenly, she was just gone. We hadn't seen her in five years and Logan _never_ talked about her. His twenty year old aunt was his guardian, and she worked a lot to stay on her toes and keep up with the bills. She'd dropped out of college to get another job to support Logan.

James and I knew that Kendall knew more about Logan than we did. It was the same way with us, I knew more about James than Kendall and Logan. I'd listened to detailed stories about James's horrendous home life, stories he'd never tell Kendall or Logan. We all had that with each other, though. There were things I'd only tell James, but there were things I'd only tell Kendall. And there were things I'd only tell Logan. It just depended on the situation.

James was much more comfortable with me. Like, he'd _never_ tell Kendall who gave him a black eye in eighth grade, and he'd never tell Logan how many times he thought of killing himself that month. I, however, knew that his sister gave him the black eye in eighth grade, and that he'd thought about suicide sixteen times that month. And it was the twentieth.

I carried Logan's clothes, James had his hockey gear, and we all pushed our bikes back to Kendall's, even down the hills. Kendall was really nervous about Logan, and that always made James and I nervous about Logan, too. We had to stop three times for Logan to catch his breath, and that was the first time we'd ever had to stop between the two houses.

"Mom," Kendall said when we entered. "We're home."

She appeared from the kitchen and smiled. Then, the smile dropped. "Logan, are you okay, buddy?"

"The asthma's being bad, mom," Kendall said, going after a chocolate in the bowl on the coffee table.

Mrs. Knight had Logan sit on the couch. We watched as he struggled to breathe and tears rolled down his cheeks as he suddenly violently coughed and Mrs. Knight used his inhaler to calm him down. We all knew what to do in this situation, but if we didn't have to, we didn't like to. _Logan_ was the doctor out of us, and he usually took care of things. We weren't medically smart, and it was scary for us to be in a situation where the brain wasn't there to help.

"You okay, Logie?" Kendall asked.

Logan nodded. "Mhmm. I'm okay."

"Well, I think we shouldn't -"

"Don't say it, Kendall," Logan warned. "I don't want to ruin our fun because-"

"_Hey_," said Kendall firmly, "don't think for a second we'd _ever _let you ruin our fun. We're just going to change the game plan a little bit."

Logan's eyes shifted and he remained silent. He did that often; let others silence him. Logan was a pushover, and there wasn't a day that went by where I wished he wouldn't let others intimidate him. Even us. Even myself.

"So, we're going to sit inside and watch Mighty Ducks?" James asked curiously.

"No," said Kendall quickly, sounding a bit belligerent. "We're just…going to…you know. Hang."

So, we found ourselves hanging. We took comforters off of every bed and tied them together. We tossed them over the side of the banister, and started swinging on them. We were having a good time till Mrs. Knight forbade us from doing that ever again. I didn't even get hurt when the blankets slipped, so I didn't know what the big deal was.

"Let's just go outside," said Logan in a rather whiney voice.

Kendall sighed and looked at James and I. I shrugged, ready to do _anything_ and James flashed a glance at me before glancing at Logan and turning his attention to Kendall. Logan coughed softly but kept his wide eyes on Kendall. He seemed rather confident even though he looked like absolute shit.

Kendall shook his head. "Logan…"

"You always do that. You always think you're like my parent. In case you forgot, _I'm_ older than _you_, Kendall."

"In case you forgot," Kendall said with sass and attitude. "_I'm_ the one who takes care of _you,_ Logan."

"You're not my parent!"

"Look around! Do you have one!"

I couldn't help but gasp, and James stiffened beside me. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Kendall and Logan never fought; they always got along so well. This was so out of the ordinary.

"Fuck you, Kendall, okay? Just…fuck you. I'm going home."

It took Kendall about ten seconds to turn on Logan's heels and follow him. "Wait, don't leave."

"So you can boss me around some more? So you can tell me we can't go outside? So you…_you know what happened_, Kendall!" he shouted, suddenly, seeming more mad than he had been before, if that were possible. I'd _never_ seen Logan this mad. It was incredibly weird.

Kendall nodded. "I know."

"Why'd you say that?"

"Because I'm an idiot, okay?"

"It's not okay! She's stuck in there, all day, every day. I don't even know if Dad's dead or alive or if mom's ever getting out…it's not her fault. It's NOT HER FAULT."

"I'm not saying it is."

James couldn't help himself. "_What_ the _fuck_ is going on!"

Kendall looked at Logan, and Logan got even more pale, turning a grayish color. "…my mom's…-" he looked softly at Kendall, but then back and me and James. "My mom's in an asylum."

"Why's she in the rain forest?"

Logan rolled his eyes. "Not the Amazon, genius, an _asylum_. She's fucking crazy, okay? She's psychotic. They keep her locked up all day because she's too incompetent to be around people."

I swallowed hard, not knowing what to say or do. Kendall kept his head down as this all unfolded but I knew he was listening.

James said, "Your mom isn't -"

"She blanks. It's like her brain is empty. She hurts people, she hurts herself. You wondered why I had those cuts? Why I had bruises? She didn't know what she was doing. For a long time I didn't know what to think but one day I saw a blank look. And it was just so out of character, for her to hurt me. I had an infer of what was going on, so I called Mama Knight. After months of Kendall telling me to tell, I did. Turns out, she's a nut job, and not fit to be a parent. She was a danger to herself and everyone around her, and she's not getting any better.

"…as of now, she's almost like a vegetable. She sits in a rocking chair in a white padded room all day every day. She doesn't eat. She doesn't go to the bathroom. She sits in there rocking all day till she falls asleep, and then wakes up and does it all over again."

I was shocked. It was hard for me to take that all in; it was even harder for me to think that that was Logan's reality. I never even thought what it must have been like to be him; I go home to two caring parents, four loving sisters, a good, loyal dog, you know, a delicious home cooked meal. Logan went home to his child aunt, thinking of his mother in an asylum and his father somewhere in Iraq, and frozen dinner.

James fell silent too. I knew exactly what he was thinking; "holy shit. And I wanna kill _myself_?" I could see it on his face. James always felt guilty for being depressed when he knew other people had it worse than him. He couldn't turn his depression on and off, though. He didn't understand why and it ate at him. He didn't understand life and he hated it. At least Logan understood life more, Logan was so smart. He was the smartest person I knew. I honestly believed he was smarter than both of my parents, and Kendall's parents…everybody. He was a genius.

It was just impossible to think that our little genius was so alone.

Logan clearly felt awkward at the silence and said, "Yeah, so, if any of you have been harboring any deep dark secrets, feel free to share them now."

James closed his eyes hard and bit his lip, clearly making it obvious that he had a deep dark secret. I imagined it happening before it did. It seemed like de ja vu when it actually played out.

"James?" Logan insisted, clearly wanting to rid our minds of what just happened. Kendall looked up for the first time, eyes on James. All eyes on James.

"…I'msuicidal." he spit out softly, wincing as he said it, keeping his eyes closed the entire time. I knew that he had felt guilty…so guilty.

I thought my heart stopped in my chest. I never thought he'd _actually tell_ anyone but me. God night after night I spent talking with him, running to his house in the snow and rain and making sure he didn't do it. The few times he almost actually _did_. There was one time with pills…that was the scariest, I think. I couldn't believe it. I was stunned.

"…really?" Kendall asked, clearly stunned, his eyes shifting from me to then quickly back to James.

James opened his eyes, looking at all of our faces. "I just…I told Carlos not to tell anybody, because that'd give me more inpercentave to do it. -"

"…do you mean incentive?" Kendall asked.

James nodded once, "Yes. Incentive. He's kept me out of doing it a lot of times. I've tried a lot of times. It just…didn't go as planned, clearly."

"…why?" Kendall asked.

James just looked at him.

"I'm sorry, I just…I don't get it. You've always been so in love with yourself it's just bewildering to me…"

"My parents are…well, parents…" he bit his lip and glanced at Logan before quickly looking down at his toes. "they're drug addicts. Like… I'm not talking pill popping or smoking weed. I'm talking like, meth, and snorting perks. They don't pay the bills anymore. The car got repo'd. the bank's taking the house next. There's never any food in my house; I eat at school and Carlos's house.

"…they just make me think like I'll never be anything. I believe them. What are the chances of my dreams ever coming true? One in a million. I'm not that one. I'll never be that one. It's just impossible. I've learned that if you don't have your dreams, you have nothing. I'll never amount to anything, I'll never get anywhere, and I don't want to live a long, terrible life. I just don't want to. I'm just done with it. I can't do anything else, the void can never be fulfilled."

I'd kept my eyes on James the entire time.

"…that's not true," said Kendall. I looked at him. "Everybody has different dreams-"

"Don't you dare preach to me, Knight," James said, "I know for a fact that nothing you say will change my mind. This can't be done over night."

"It can't be done at all if you don't listen to me."

"_You_ _can't_ _help_ _me this time_! That's why I never told you! It's something…beyond your control. I told Carlos because…there was one night I took a bunch of pills and I was scared of dying alone. So I called Carlos and told him I was afraid I was about to die. I told him I was hallucinating, that inanimate objects were literally talking to me. I was seeing…it was awful. I really thought that was it. I slept for three days. Carlos was with me the entire time."

"…and where were Logan and I?"

"Here. Well, not here at your house, well, I imagine you were. I don't know. Carlos told you we were camping with my dad; no signal and only room for us."

"…I couldn't believe you bought it," I said speaking up for the first time. "like we'd go camping without you. We'd die."

"We really would," James concurred, his eyes bugging out slightly, his hands in the air. "I'm just…I don't know what to do anymore…" he slumped down on Kendall's bed, looking very, very low. I felt so bad. I wished I could just wish us out of this entire situation.

"…get help, James. For yourself _and_ for your parents," Kendall instructed.

"…from who?"

"Anyone. Do you want me to get it for you? Because I will, I'll walk right up to Mr. Ned first thing and be like-"

"No, no. I'll do it. I think it's something I _need_ to do myself. I just…need the push…"

"Okay," Kendall nodded. "I can give you that. Anything you want or need from me, James, I swear to God I'll oblige. I'll give you the push… _we_ can give you the push. We will. Just…_don't_…"

James shook his head, and for the first time, we noticed Logan on the floor crying. James lifted his head out of his hands slightly to see what was going on, and he took in a deep breath. He slid off the bed and onto the floor next to Logan, and put his arm around him. Logan started hysterically sobbing, his cheeks red and swollen, his eyes just the same.

"Please don't," Logan choked, "Don't, don't, I _need_ you, I can't handle anything else, _please don't leave_ _me._"

"I won't, I won't," said James, who was now crying too. "I'm so sorry, Loge, I'm sorry…"

Logan didn't calm down though; naturally his panic increased. His breathing quickly became abnormal and James bucked up to give him some air. Tears streamed down both their faces and, mine, too. James was rubbing Logan's back, Kendall and I watched in shock.

Logan between his gasping breaths repeated, "_don't leave, don't leave, don't leave_."

And then he couldn't breathe and Kendall snapped out of his initial shock and raced to find the inhaler in Logan's stuff. "Front pocket, front pocket," I said, remembering packing it.

Kendall grabbed it and quickly got on the floor in front of Logan and now I watched on, scared for my friends. They looked so dreadfully miserable and I felt so bad for them. I wished I could give them happiness. I didn't know how to just…bring joy to people. I mean, I was barely doing it for myself.

I knelt down next to Logan, Kendall in front of him, James on his right, me on his left. I took his hand in mine; his eyes shifted towards me. He was so pale and pink and horrid looking; I felt so bad for him. I rubbed his hand with my thumb and we waited for the medicine to take affect. However, it'd been about ten minutes and nothing was happening.

Kendall ran off for a moment and came back with a straw. "Breathe through the straw, okay, Logie? I'm getting Mom."

James looked up at me as Logan did what Kendall told him to. "I had to," he said.

I nodded. "I know. I'm proud of you."

"I'm sorry for putting you through what I put you through. I'll change, I swear…I'll do whatever it takes." He looked at Logan as he said that last part.

Logan just kept coughing. For a few minutes I thought he was going to puke, but he kept his ground till Mama Knight and Kendall rushed back into the room. Mrs. Knight shook her head, "I'm taking you to the emergency room."

This was the first time in six years Logan didn't hesitate to seek medical care. So, we piled into the minivan, Katie in the front, Kendall and Logan in the middle, James and I in the back, and Mrs. Knight sped off to the hospital.

Mrs. Knight was the only one allowed back in the room with him, so the rest of us were in the waiting room. "I think this was inevitable," Kendall said after a half an hour of silence.

"Did you steal Logan's word of the day calendar?" I asked.

Kendall chuckled. "It means it was unavoidable. This was bound to happen."

"How do you expect?" James asked.

"Well the nurse told Logan to go to the hospital but he said no way and we played more dodge ball. I told him not to, but he told me to shut up, and you know how I get when Logan tells me to shut up, I just shut up." He was talking very quickly.

"I wish he was here to tell you to shut up right now," James mumbled.

"What was that?" Kendall asked.

"Sorry," James said quickly.

"I _thought_ so."

I took in a deep breath. "Logan has the worst listening problem out of anybody I've ever met. I swear he's worse than all of us put together when it comes to being told what to do."

Kendall stopped and looked at me for a moment, "…did we call his aunt?"

I shifted my eyes. "…not that I know of?" My stomach did flip-flops.

"Shit," said James.

"Shit is right," said Kendall, who whipped out his cell phone and frantically searched for Logan's 20 year old aunt's cell phone number in his contact list. Her name was Lola. He put the phone to his ear and we watched him. "…uh, hi, Lola?…yeah, uh, it's Kendall. Well, you see Logan had a pretty bad - well, he had _two_ bad asthma attacks today and now we're all at the hospital waiting for…my mom is-…okay. Okay. Okay. See you soon. Bye."

Kendall put his phone away and looked up at us. "She's coming."

"Did she sound mad?"

"She sounded stressed."

"That's never good."

"Kendall?" I asked. "Is your heart fluttering in your chest?"

"It'll be okay, Carlos," he assured comfortingly. "When has it never been okay?"

I glanced at James who shook his head and I took in a deep breath. "…I guess so…"

It took Lola roughly seven minutes to arrive at the hospital; she came in looking frantic and frazzled, and Kendall signaled her over to us. "Is he okay, is he okay?" Lola Mitchell was short. She was shorter than me, and shorter than any of our moms. She had long dark hair and pretty green eyes and she looked like she was about sixteen years old.

"We haven't gotten any information," said Kendall, "But I'm sure he's going to be okay."

"Well…I'm going to ask someone. That lady at the front desk looks like a crab; wish me luck."

Kendall chuckled at her sarcasm and said, "Good luck."

She advanced towards the receptionists desk and started to talk. Katie sighed heavily and I turned to notice her. "This is taking forever," she said.

"He couldn't breathe, Katie," Kendall explained. "You saw him."

"But why is it taking so long?"

"Well, doctors like to do that. Keep you waiting."

"But mom doesn't."

"We just have to have patience."

Lola made her way back over to us and said, "I'm going to see him, okay?"

"Send my mom out," Kendall instructed.

"Okay."

Lola disappeared behind the doors and my heart pounded as Kendall stared at James, and James stared at Kendall. Katie decided to get a closer look at the fish tank or something or other, and I felt like the outcast, watching the two of them stare at each other.

It was awkward, to say the least, and I had no idea _what_ they were thinking, or why they were staring at each other. I sensed they were having some sort of telekinetic conversation through their eyes, however Logan would say that's illogical thinking, so instead, I said, "What the hell are you two doing?"

Kendall turned to look at me and James looked down. "…I don't know," he said. "What _are_ we doing? What have we been doing all our lives that we didn't see this sooner…James, _why_ didn't you just tell me sooner…?"

He picked at the skin near his fingernail and kept his head down for a moment, before looking up and saying with a sarcastic chuckle, "Do you really think it's that easy?"

"Yes!" Kendall said, throwing his hands in the air. "I do! …I mean, I thought I did…I just…why didn't you trust me?"

James shook his head, "No, no, no," he stood up and put his pointer finger on Kendall's chest. "Don't you think for one fucking second, Knight, that I didn't trust you."

"Then what was it?"

James hesitated, clearly lost for words. I felt bad for him. I wished he didn't have to go through that; I wished he didn't have to go through this but it was bound to happen, inevitable as Kendall said, and it was good for him. "I didn't want you to know because I'm not good enough to be your friend."

Kendall looked really, really hurt by this. I even felt the pang that he felt and it wasn't gentle. The hard part was, I'd heard this before and I failed to convince him otherwise. It wouldn't be the first time I'd failed at being a good friend. "What are you talking about?" Kendall asked. "You can't really think that! Dude, you're my best friend! Who else would I go to for a mirror, or a comb, or girl advice? You know, I wouldn't have ever gotten any date if it weren't for you! You do all the stupid things I tell you to and we always have a good time. Where the hell would I be without you? I need you, you're more than good enough to be my friend, _I'm_ not good enough to be _your_ friend!"

James bit his lip and wasn't able to reply, because Mama Knight was walking through the doors. The atmosphere changed and Kendall said, "Mom!"

"How's Logan!" James asked.

"He's stable, but he's not breathing well on his own," Mrs. Knight replied. "They might keep him over night."

"When can we see him?"

"I think they'll let you in soon. Um, I know you guys won't leave, so, I'm going to take Katie to Nanny's for the night. If they happen to let you back there before I come back, keep in mind that you're in a hospital, inside voices. Logan doesn't feel good, so, no roughhousing, alright?"

"We know."

"Okay, love you."

"Love you," we all said, and she took Katie home.

"I just want you to be able to come for me for anything. I mean, not that Carlos doesn't do a good job, but, I want to be able to help you, too. How can I be a good friend if you don't tell me when you have a problem? I want you to be able to tell me anything. I just wish I could have helped you sooner."

"…I'm alive, Kendall."

"But…how could I not see that you weren't happy?"

"…because I was always happy around you. Nothing made me happier than all of us hanging out. But we can't always do that. We can't always be happy. It doesn't work like that. I _know_ deep down that you're not _always_ happy. Especially when you think about your dad."

That was a rough subject for Kendall. We _all_ knew that. Logan and Kendall both shared that feeling of not knowing where your father was, what he was doing, if he was dead or alive. Logan was very mature about a lot of things. He had always been very understanding when it came to the most complicated situations. The war, Iraq, Afghanistan, it all was complicated, and Kendall didn't get one bit of it. It drove him nuts, drove him to pieces. No matter how many times Logan tried to explain it all to Kendall, he just didn't get it. He couldn't accept the fact of terrorism. And that scared Kendall.

But Logan retained information. He read it and sucked it up and never forgot a single thing. He knew everything about the war. He understood why his father was in Iraq, he knew exactly what he was doing, and what could happen. And that scared Logan.

Kendall didn't talk about his father much. We'd heard a few stories when Kendall was really missing him; Logan had a few stories about him, and James and I had met him four or five times, but we didn't know much about him. Logan, on the other hand, talked about his father frequently. It was his mother he never spoke of.

Kendall pressed his lips together tightly for a few moments before saying, "…well, yeah, but that's my dad. I mean, I miss him, you know? I wish I could just talk to him sometimes and it makes me sad to think that I might not ever hear from him again. I can't even check the mail because I'm so fucking scared of getting that letter, and I never answer the phone anymore.

"But Logan goes through the same thing. But…Logan - his mother doesn't even know who he is anymore. She doesn't recognize him, most of the time she doesn't acknowledge him. She gets in these frozen states where she just rocks in a rocking chair. When she's out of the states she has no idea who he is. I don't know what I'd do without my mom. I couldn't go through what he goes through every day. I couldn't go through what you go through every day, or what you go through every day." He said to us.

I was confused. "What do you mean, what I go through?" I questioned. I didn't have problems compared to my friends; I wasn't suicidal. I had both my parents, I knew where they were, and they weren't on drugs.

"Your mom is crazy strict, you have _four_ sisters, your dad's always at work. Your mom expects so much from you and she wants you to be someone you're not and you have to disappoint her every day because she doesn't want you to play hockey or play music or wrestle or doing whatever it is we're doing. And your dad's not in Iraq or doing drugs but he's not exactly around, either. My Dad's fighting for freedom, that's why he's not around, and your dad's fighting local criminals. He's in the same district as you and you see just as much of him as I do my dad."

"That's not true-"

"Okay, I exaggerated, but, really, I couldn't do it. Swimming in the estrogen ocean with all those girls, your mom down your throat all the time…"

They both looked at me and I felt awkward and I didn't like being thrown into this because no matter what they said, I was the outcast. "I wish we could go see Logan," I said, hoping they'd again switch the subject.

"…let's just go," Kendall suggested.

James and I agreed with his plan immediately and followed him to the backroom. He peaked in every door till he found Logan in the seventh door on the left, labeled as room thirteen and we let ourselves in, quietly, of course. Logan's eyes were closed; he was hooked up to an IV and a respirator; he was pale and his chest rose slowly and fell heavily as he breathed.

Aunt Lola was sitting in a chair next to his bed and looked towards us when she heard the door open. "Guys," she breathed, "You're not really allowed in ICU…"

"Yeah, we don't really care. Is he okay?"

"Well he isn't improving. They're wanting to keep him here over night, but they haven't decided yet. They're going to wait a few hours."

Her phone vibrated loudly in her front pocket and she took it in her hands and looked at the caller id. "I'm going to step outside and take this," she informed and did just that.

Just when the door closed, Logan's eyes opened and he ripped the respirator mask off. "I want to go home."

Kendall laughed. "I knew you weren't sleeping."

"You fooled me," I informed.

Logan chuckled weakly.

"You okay, bud?" Kendall asked softly.

"My lungs are inflamed." he whined.

Kendall chuckled. "The nurse _told_ you-"

"Oh, to hell with what the nurse told me. I want to go home. Well, no, actually, I don't want to go home, I want to go to Kendall's house and have Mama Knight make me hot chocolate."

"She _does_ make good hot chocolate," I commented.

Aunt Lola came back in and Logan told her he wanted to go to Kendall's house and he didn't want to be in the hospital any longer. He spent ten minutes trying to explain how unnecessary it was for him to stay there any longer.

"Logan, don't do this, okay? There's enough on my mind right now and you being in the hospital isn't helping anything. I just want you to get better as quickly as possible and you refusing to cooperate will not get you out of this hospital, so you keep your ass in that bed, stop saying you want to go home, rest, breathe properly, then you can go to Kendall's and drink Mrs. Knight's delicious hot chocolate. Okay?"

Logan's eyes shifted. "I hate when you tell me what to d-"

"Logan Thomas," she said his name firmly and quickly, and none of us had ever heard her use such an adult tone. "Relax, okay? Just, relax. Put that thing back on your face, breathe, sleep."

"That's not exactly-"

"Lola," Kendall said, sensing her frustration. "Take a walk to the cafeteria, get some coffee and pudding, and relax. We'll control Logan."

She hesitated so Kendall wrapped his arm around her and led her to the door, saying, "Don't worry about at thing."

Once she was gone, Kendall said, "You should listen to your aunt."

"She's only five years older than me," Logan said.

"Yeah, and think of all the sacrifices she made for you. The least you could do is listen to her and not stress her out. You're so smart. All you have to do is listen to her to make her happy."

"…she _has_ done a lot for me," he offered. "I just really-"

"I know, you want to go home and drink hot chocolate. But you know as well as I do that you're sick; you're just ridiculously stubborn and naïve when it comes to infinity. You know as well as I do that people have died from their asthma, and _you_ have it bad."

My mother called not long after that, wondering where the hell James and I were. Since James spent every weekend at my house for the past eight years, she just expected him to be there every weekend. I explained to her that we were at the hospital with Logan and we were going to be home when the doctors told us to leave.

Logan was transferred out of ICU in the emergency room and was hospitalized after about five hours since we first arrived. The hospital's visiting hours were technically already over. It took Mrs. Knight twenty minutes to convince Lola to go sleep at home and not to worry about Logan; to just get a break and she'd take Logan home tomorrow. The experienced mother sensed that the new guardian needed a small break from the small stubborn boy that didn't like to listen.

So, Lola drove James and I back to my house. My mom was at the table with my older sisters, Alexandra and Brenna. She stood up when she saw us. "Is Logan okay? You guys look exhausted."

I rubbed my eye. "They admitted him to the hospital. He wouldn't listen to Lola or the doctors when they told him to keep the respirator on, so he didn't exactly improve. They're shooting him with drugs every few hours to…what was it?" I looked at James.

"Um, I believe the exact wording was something among the lines of…decreasing the lung flamation and preventing respiratory infection."

"Flamation?" I questioned, "You mean imflamation?"

"_Inflammation_," my mother corrected. "…are you two okay? You seem really out of it."

"It was a long day," I defended. "Where's dad?"

"Where do you think?" answered Alexandria.

I nodded, understanding and announced that James and I were going to go upstairs and go to bed. Seven people lived in my house and we had three bedrooms. My parents had a bedroom, I had my own bedroom, and my four sisters, ages ranging from 18 to 2 shared a room. It was safe to say that Alexandria and Brenna did not spend a lot of time in the room with our younger sisters.

"Kendall will text us all night," I told James, even though I knew he already knew.

"Yeah," he agreed, "I'm surprised it hasn't started already."

I bit my bottom lip before asking, "Are you okay?"

"…I'm okay,"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Right now, yeah."

I nodded subtly, and then my door suddenly burst open and there was my two year old sister in her pink polka dot footy pajamas crying. James and I looked her way. "What's the matter, Emma?" I asked, getting up off my bed and scooping up the sleepy, crying toddler. She put her head on my shoulder and wrapped her little arms around my neck. She didn't say anything, she just cried. I figured she wouldn't say anything, she'd just cry herself to sleep in my arms. It wouldn't be the first time.

I sat back down on my bed and James sat next to me. "It's okay, Emmy," he said to my sobbing sister.

"I feel bad," I said, talking over Emma's crying. "I wish Logan didn't have to stay overnight. It makes me nervous when they keep him."

James took in a deep breath. "I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that is saying something bad is happening somewhere…I don't know how to explain it."

Kendall was texting us all night, as predicted. Once Emma fell asleep I put her back in her bed, and was able to respond quickly to the messages. James slept in my bed with me, and we ended up staying up _really_ late…or really early, depending on how you look at it. We were talking about all the events that had unfolded in such a short period of time. All the secrets that came out; Logan's mom, James opening up, Kendall talking about his dad.

"Everything's going to change," James had said.

"Are you ready for that?"

"…I don't exactly have a choice."

We ended up sleeping till about eleven, which wasn't unusual for us. Daniela's screeching is what woke us up; she was six, and she was a brat. I'd immediately reached for my phone; 3 texts from Kendall:

**5:13 am: Logan is doing better breathing w/o face monster.  
>5:53 am: how do I get logan to stop complaining about going home.?<br>10:08am: we are going home. text me when you wake up.**

Just as I was about to respond, another message was received.

**11:11am: are u up yet? ppleaseee come over as soon as u get this.**

I looked at James. "We need to go to Kendall's," I said.

He nodded. "Okay, just let me fix my hair."

"Put on a hat. He used two p's and three e's in his please."

James noted the seriousness, found a hat, and we put on our shoes and raced downstairs. Alexandria was in the kitchen prying Daniela's fingers off of Emma's favorite toy. She looked up when she noticed us rushing. "Where are you going?"

"Kendall's!" I said before we ran out the door, hopped on our bikes and pedaled as fast as we could to Kendall's house four blocks away.

We dropped our bikes in the front lawn, digging up some of the grass. We let ourselves into the Knight house and the first thing we saw was Logan sleeping on the couch, an empty, chocolately mug on the coffee table next to him. The house had an eerie feel to it and I wasn't sure what to expect at this point. I didn't know what any of this was about; James and I immediately went in search for Kendall.

We found him in the kitchen at the table with his mom…and his dad.

Mr. Knight was still in uniform, but unlike the other times we'd met him, it was a mess. His badges were not shining, his shirt wasn't tucked in, and his hat was on the table next to him. His posture was no longer impressive, and he was clearly heart broken and beaten down.

"What's going on?" I asked, not bothering for greetings.

Kendall looked up, and then looked down, then back up at us when he realized that _he_ had to be the one to tell us. "…Logan's dad was killed."

My heart sank and James grabbed my hand. I swear to God he prevented me from collapsing right then and there. "Are you kidding? You must be kidding! This isn't funny!" I was panicking, and crying, and this was the _last thing I ever wanted to hear_.

Mr. Knight stood up and came over to James and I, and he put large protective arms around us as we were both crying now. "He's not kidding," said the Sergeant Major.

"But…how?"

"There was an explosion…and it just happened _so_ _fast_…"

I closed my eyes hard and pulled away from Mr. Knight, sinking to the floor, my back against the wall, my knees to my chin. "Logan doesn't know, does he?"

"Unfortunately, not yet."

"Come upstairs with me," Kendall said, reaching a hand out to me, helping me up and signaling James to follow.

Kendall flopped down hard on his bed and we watched, James keeping my shaking body as stable as he could. Kendall looked at us and said, "I'm a horrible person."

"What? What could possibly possess you to think that-?"

"One of the first things my dad said when I saw him today was that, "It could have been me instead. It _should_ _have_ _been_ _me_ _instead_." I don't want it to be him! I'm so selfish - poor Logan, I mean…Jesus Christ, why…? I just…I'm awful…"

I shook my head and sat next to him, and put my arm around him. James knelt before him and made him look at him directly in the eyes. "You're not a horrible person for loving your father, Kendall."

"But I'm so fucking selfish! _Why…_I should be feeling sad…well I mean more sad, but I'm not. I'm horrible…"

"Kendall…you're not horrible. You're just thankful that you're not in Logan's shoes. Hell, we're all thankful we're not in Logan's shoes. You know you're not horrible. You just love your dad."

"LOGAN LOVES HIS DAD, TOO!"

"I love my dad, too!" James said, "And Carlos loves his dad! But that doesn't mean Carlos's dad won't get shot on duty, or that my dad won't overdose and die. Everybody is in danger; nobody makes it out alive. You're not a horrible fucking person, Kendall Knight and I swear to God if you keep thinking that I'll skin you. You're a great person, a great friend, and when Logan wakes up, you're going to be there with him to comfort him because you're an amazing person. Got it? Stop panicking, be the leader. You have to be strong, you can't crumble now. None of us can, we have to help Logan through this. _I'm_ not going anywhere and neither are you."

I took in a deep breath. "Let's get ourselves together and go downstairs."

Kendall nodded and wiped his eyes; we trekked down the stairs and Mr. Knight was now in the living room, watching Logan sleeping. Logan looked rather peaceful. Part of me wanted him to never wake up; to stay peaceful and unaware of what was happening in reality. But I knew that couldn't happen. I knew he was going to wake up, and I knew he was going to learn his father's fate, but I didn't know how he was going to react.

Kendall sat next to his father and cuddled up beside him. Mr. Knight wrapped his arm around his son pulled him close. "I miss you, Kendall," he said into his son's hair. "I miss you so much. Not a day goes by where I don't think of you and your mom and sister, even Logan and James and Carlos." He looked at us with a smile.

"Do you have to go back?" Kendall asked, his voice soft.

He nodded. "After the service."

"When's that?"

"Wednesday."

It was Sunday. Mr. Knight had less than a week before he had to return to Iraq. Mr. Mitchell would never have to return to Iraq again.

Logan's face looked pink as he slept; he looked suddenly uncomfortable and his eyes slowly opened. We were staring at him. It appeared to take him a moment to see what was in front of him. He blinked and started directly at Mr. Knight. It took him about two minutes to sit up, and then he jumped up and jumped into Mr. Knight's arms.

I watched as Mr. Knight's knuckled turned white against gripping Logan's shirt. I can honestly say it was the first time I'd ever seen Sergeant Major Knight crying. Unfortunately, it wasn't the first time I'd seen Logan crying.

"Where's my dad?" Logan asked, "is he here, too?" My heart sank when I realized Logan was crying because he was so happy that he thought he was seeing his father again. I didn't want to be there anymore. I wanted to run away and hide, and leave and not have to see this or watch this unfold. This wasn't fair, it just wasn't fair and Logan shouldn't have had to deal with this.

Mr. Knight shook his head. "No, buddy, he's not here."

"Well, where is he?"

"He's…_not here_." Mr. Knight repeated.

Logan wasn't stupid. I knew he didn't need this spelled out for him any further; what was said was enough for him to know. He knew, in his heart in his soul what Mr. Knight meant. Like I said, Logan was very understanding when it came to a lot of things.

He fiercely shook his head, denying the news. "No…no, no, this…are you positive?"

Mr. Knight cleared his mucus filled lungs with a cough and he held onto Logan tighter, and Kendall scooted away to give them more room. "Don't panic, buddy, okay, just breathe and don't panic. I'll tell you what happened but you have to stay calm. I need you to be strong, okay?"

Logan wasn't sobbing, but he was crying. Mr. Knight moved closer to Kendall, put Logan on his left, Kendall on his right, and James and I sat at his feet. "We'd been following this same route, over and over again. We'd gone over the plan. We were going to blow up an underground tunnel that the terrorists were using to get into Iraq. We'd went inside, timed the bomb, and left. Your father thought he saw someone inside the tunnel. I told him not to go back inside…we all told him. He swore that he saw a child and at the last minute, he jumped off the truck and ran towards the tunnel. We jumped out, but you know your dad is just like you, fast and agile. The tunnel exploded right before our eyes, with your dad inside."

Logan sat there silently for a moment before saying, "What was he thinking! WAS THERE EVEN A CHILD!"

Mr. Knight shook his hand. "The only body that was found belonged to your father."

Logan still wasn't sobbing. It frightened me to think that he was holding this together so well when it was just yesterday he was hospitalized because he found out James was suicidal. His father was dead. He died in the war, died in Iraq, fighting for freedom, and he was more calm than any of us had thought he was going to be….than _I_ had thought he was going to be. In the same sense, Mr. Knight was there. We all felt the same way when it came to being around Sergeant Major Knight; don't be a pussy when you're around the bravest man in the world.

"…are you okay?" Mr. Knight asked Logan.

Logan didn't answer, he just turned his head away, resting it on the arm of the couch. I picked at a thread hanging from my sock, feeling awkward and sad.

"He's really dead?" Logan asked, his voice soft and broken. "He's not ever coming home? I can't ever see him or talk to him again?"

"Logan, it'll be okay, okay? Trust me. You have me, and your friends, look, they're always here for you."

"You won't always be here!" Logan shouted, lifting his head up and looking at the grief-stricken Sergeant Major. "You're going to leave again! Just like before, just like my dad! Things will go back to us sitting here wondering if you're dead or alive and I'm sick and tired of never knowing - Kendall, tell him, tell him."

Kendall bit his lip hard and it turned bright red. "Dad…I love you. We love you, and we…well, Logan understands and tries to get me to…why you're gone. I know you can't help it…but we _hate_ that you're _gone all the time_…"

"Trust me, I hate that I'm gone all the time, too. You kids…I'm doing this for you, Kendall. You'll understand one day, you'll understand it all. But for right now-"

"I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE, DAD!" Kendall exploded, causing the rest of us to stare in shock. Logan and Kendall were instantaneously teamed up, panic-stricken trying to convince Mr. Knight that this time, just this time, they were correct.

"Kendall…"

"Don't say you're not going to die, because Logan's dad is dead! Who's to say you're not next huh! Every time you go back you're offering yourself up as bait!"

"Kendall," Mr. Knight said firmly, "You need to watch what you're saying," he glanced at Logan and Kendall looked at Logan too.

James and I sat on the floor, watching this unfold. At least this time I had a fellow outcast.

Kendall sighed. "Logan."

Logan shook his head, and got in a tiny ball on the couch.

"Logan."

He didn't move. He was done with this conversation; he wasn't going to do anything else, or say anything else. I knew Logan long enough to know what he did when he blocked us out. Kendall sighed again and climbed over his father and leaned on top of Logan. This was his usual reaction to this; sometimes we let him alone, most of the time, Kendall leaned on top of him and said the perfect things to calm him down. But this time, Kendall just cried, too. Sick of being outcasts, James and I crawled over, and cried, too.

On Monday, Kendall, James, Logan and I went to the guidance office first thing in the morning. "Good Morning boys," greeted Mrs. Mendler. "What can I do for you?"

"Is Mr. Kelly available?" James asked. The rest of us were under Kendall's strict orders as to stay quiet because _James_ had to be the _one_ to tell. He emphasized multiple times.

"As a matter of fact he just got in. Go on in."

"Thank you."

Kendall, Logan and I followed James into Mr. Kelly's small office. We closed the door tightly and crowded around Mr. Kelly, who looked up with a big smile on his face. "Hey, guys. Should I be expecting a phone call from the police this morning?"

James smiled. "No, not this Monday. We kind of have…well, _I_ kind of have some serious things to talk about. Well…yeah."

"Okay, I'm listening. You have my undivided attention."

"Well…" he turned to look back at us, I gave an encouraging nod, Kendall gave a thumbs up and Logan looked up at him. "I just need help. Like…my parents need help and I need help. My parents…well…I'll talk about me, I guess, not them, it's easier to talk about me, because, you know, I'm _me_." He did The Face. I knew he was rambling to stall.

"I keep trying to kill myself," he said quickly, his voice low.

Mr. Kelly looked at us all, shocked. He was completely and utterly shocked, and he clearly didn't know what to say.

"It just…hasn't worked."

"…and thank god for that," he said seriously. "How long have you been feeling like this, James?"

He looked at me, and I glanced at Kendall who nodded. Logan was the smart one, but I was good with dates. "The first time he called me and told me he was about to die we were eleven. It was August 16 2007."

"I've tried like, seven or eight times. I can't do anything right. Carlos literally saved my life a few times, even when I didn't want him to. I told him not to tell anybody or I'd really do it. I really wanted to do it. I really thought I'd have done it by now."

"And this has something to do with your parents?" Mr. Kelly questioned.

"Both of my parents are addicted to drugs. Any kind of drug they can get their hands on. They've spent all their money on drugs; they lost the car, they're about to lose the house. I don't want to be apart of their family and there's only one way I know how to do that. But _they_ said I should have done _this_ a long time ago."

Mr. Kelly got up and hugged James. "I'm really proud of you," he said to James. "It'll all be okay., alright? We can fix this. We will. You've got a great team of friends to support you through this."

James looked at Logan, clearly feeling as guilty as ever. James hugged Logan and even though Logan wasn't expecting it, he hugged him back. "I love you, Logan," he said seriously.

"I love you, too."

"It'll be okay," James said to Logan. "You've got the same team of friends."

"…I've missed something," Mr. Kelly commented.

James and Logan didn't break their hug, I shook my head when Kendall looked at me, so Kendall said it. "Logan's dad just died in Iraq on Thursday."

"Holy shit," said the teacher under his breath; I couldn't help but want to smile.

"…we had a rough weekend," I commented.

"I'll say," said Mr. Kelly.

Mr. Kelly wasn't wrong when he said things would be okay. He talked to James's parents and they admitted that they needed help. He then talked my parents into keeping James till they got out of rehab, which went extremely well since my parents loved James and felt bad for him, _and_ they'd be getting state benefits, so it was pretty much a win all around. Kind of. I didn't mind sharing my room, but James spent more time in the bathroom getting ready in the morning than Alexandria and Brenna!

James was going to see a therapist three times a week, and gradually, that would get less and less as he got better. The therapist was going to determine whether James needed to be placed in a treatment center, or if this could be fixed without being taken away from everyone that loves him.

Mr. Mitchell's funeral was harsh. We, as in Logan, Kendall, James and I were half of the casket carriers. The other half consisted of Sergeant Major Knight, Colonel Langston, General Lotus, and Private Sanders. Logan had been doing fine since the first day, or so it appeared. He didn't cry at all at the funeral, or since that day. He took care of his 20 year old Auntie Lola who had just lost her big brother in war.

Kendall spent some time at Logan's with him. James and I made a few appearances of course, but it was extremely awkward for us. Kendall usually was the one who Logan found the most comfort and solace with and James and I knew that.

Like I said, Logan didn't cry. Lola did, though. Mrs. Knight, Katie, more than half the people there were in tears over Lieutenant Thomas Donald Mitchell; loving father, husband, and soldier. But not Logan. He kept his guard up, he was the most solid person there. He thanked everyone for their condolences like an adult; he behaved like an adult. He maturely accepted the fact that this was it. His father was dead in that coffin; he wasn't going to talk to him every again, see him ever again, and there wasn't anything he could change about it. He appeared heartless. But we knew he was just defeated.

Of course, Mrs. Mitchell wasn't there. She didn't even know she had a husband, let alone the fact that her husband was an excellent soldier, but ended up getting killed. The chances of her ever remembering her husband or her son was become more and more slim by the day. It probably wasn't going to happen, and Logan was, as it appeared, stuck, living with his 20 year old aunt Lola, parentless.

It wasn't fair for him, or for Lola. Lola didn't have experience. She was 20! She was still a kid herself, and her having to drop out of college to get two jobs to support Logan wasn't fair. Mr. Mitchell's check went to the ward that kept Mrs. Mitchell; now how was that going to be paid? Who was going to do it? It frightened us to think about this. Logan wasn't technically being raised. He was raising himself, and that wasn't fair for him.

After the funeral, we loosened our ties and untucked our shirts; and we went back to the Knight house. We went in the backyard, and climbed the tree; Logan and I on one branch, James and Kendall on another. "You okay, Logie?" Kendall asked.

"I'm fine," Logan said immediately. "Are _you_ okay, Kendall?"

"I don't know," said Kendall. "I don't know how I feel about my dad going back tomorrow... But I mean, it'll be okay. It has to be. Are _you_ okay, James?

James nodded. "I'm okay. I really am. Are you okay, Carlos?"

"I'm drowning in the estrogen ocean," I joked, and all the guys laughed. It wasn't as funny as we made it out to be, but we all needed the laugh. It was nice. "I'll be okay," I said finally.

"You'll _be_ okay?"

"Yeah. I just have things to tell my parents. Then, I'll be okay."

James looked at me. "You finally going to stick up for yourself?"

I nodded. "Absolutely am," I replied.

He smiled. "Good."

I didn't have the best relationship with my parents. My father was rarely around and my mother didn't care that I wanted to play hockey. She didn't believe in me, and it was about time I tried to change her mind.

I sat both my parents down on the couch late one night. James and the girls were in bed, my dad had just gotten home, and my mom was in her robe. "What's this about, Carlos?"

"I need to talk to you _both. _you know why? Because I'm sick of not being good enough for you two. Mom, I don't understand why you don't want me to play hockey. I love it, I'm good at it, it's what I'm passionate about. It's the most safe, dangerous thing I've ever been apart of. Dad, I don't understand why you work _so much_? Why can't you come around more? Logan's dad is dead! Kendall's dad is in Iraq, and James's dad is in rehab, and my dad doesn't care enough to come home and have dinner with us, not even once. What do I have to do to get you people to understand that we're your kids, and we need you around, and to believe in us and our dreams?"

They were both stunned. I was stunned, but this needed to be done. Kendall was fighting his demons, James was fighting his demons, Logan was fighting his demons, and now it was my turn to start fighting mine. I was following my friends' footsteps because, all along, really, I wasn't the outcast. I fit right in, perfectly with them. No matter how different we were, we'd always be the same. We were all outcasts.

"…Carlos, I just want you to do something suitable with your life," said my mother, "I want you to be able to have every career opportunity available to you, I want you to do something that is more accessible. I want you to be able to make a lot of money and be really happy."

"I don't need to make a lot of money to be happy, mama. I just need you to believe in me. I just need to follow my dreams with you following me."

She nodded and said with a soft smile, "Okay, baby. I believe in you."

I smiled with relief and looked at my father.

"You're right," he said finally. "I shouldn't work so much. I'm just trying to make a better society for you and your sisters to live in."

"But how can you make _us_ _good_ _people_ if you're not around to raise us?"

He nodded. "Okay," he said. "I'll come home early a few nights a week and we can eat dinner together and watch movies, you, me, mom, Alexandria, Brenna, Daniela, Emma and James. Our family. Will that help you?"

I smiled. "Yeah. That's all I ask."

"We love you, Carlos," said my mother. "Always remember that."

I did always remember that. How could I forget? I'd never forget all the people that loved me, my parents, my sisters, James, Kendall and Logan, Katie, Mama and Papa Knight, Lola, Mr. Kelly, and so many others. I cared about them, too. I loved them, too.

About two weeks after Mr. Mitchell's death, and since James moved in with me, Logan moved in with Kendall and the Knight family. Sergeant Major Knight had talked with Lola long and hard before he left and he convinced her to allow this change. She'd been taking care of Logan for a long time, and she shouldn't have had to. He told her to go back to school, and that he and Mama Knight would take care of Logan.

James didn't need to go to a treatment center. They did put him on anti-depressants, and those made him sleep a lot more than normal, but he was doing a _lot_ better now that he was living with us and going to therapy.

My dad did as I asked of him, and my mom started coming to hockey games.

Kendall's father promised he'd resign after his term. He said he couldn't do it anymore without his best friend, he said he didn't want to miss any more of Kendall, Katie and Logan's lives.

One day, we were all at Kendall and Logan's, and we were just talking. "Mom said I can be whatever I want to be," I said proudly, "Even being a hockey player."

My friends smiled, too. "I want to play hockey," Kendall said, "You know, for the rest of my life. Logie's gonna be a doctor, isn't that right, Logie?"

Logan nodded. "Mhmm, I'm going to find a way to get through to mental heath patients who have a hard time differentiating dreamland from reality."

That's when James announced his big, big dream of being a singer. He burst into song and we all laughed along with him, because the chances of that happening where one in a million. Only the ones that stuck out got lucky; the outcasts. But…hey…we _were _outcasts, right?

* * *

><p>Note: Whoaaaaa buddy. yeah. I didn't really know what Carlos wanted to be. I also am clueless about the war and military ranks and such, so I hope I didn't do too bad. feel free to correct me if i'm wrong! the ending is a bit rushed, but i really needed to end it. it is quite long but sometimes long is better. well, you never know lol. thanks for reading!(:<p> 


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